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Ellen
Degeneres Quotes
I
ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think
my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I
think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I
was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten.
I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years.
It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People
always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an
accountant.
The
sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big.
And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows
we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Yeah
I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to
watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me
thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You
have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
JAY LENO QUOTES
More details coming out about Michael Jackson. It seems his 13-year-old
accuser testified before a grand jury that Michael had seven locks
on his bedroom door. See, what happened was whenever Michael would
install one lock, the kid would grow an inch taller, and he’d
have to put in another one ... and then another one ... and then
another one.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair
of spandex pants.
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of
slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then
kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers,
isn’t it?
Colin Farrel was recently asked about prostitutes and he said,
"It’s like ordering a pizza.” Really? What restaurant
is he going to? All I ever get is a pizza...I guess in some ways
it is - when it’s delivered, it’s never quite as hot
as you hoped it would be.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also
their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you
consider man’s best friend is his dog.
Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but
no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened.
One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the
next, boom!
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets
a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his
cats a chew toy....Roy.
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of
course, those tests come back positive.
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