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DOG
JOKES
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Our dog jokes are a chuckle and will leave you in stitches!
What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch
and a woman yelling on the back porch? The dog quits barking
when you let it in! We got a lot more funny jokes about dogs, so
check these out. |
Why are dogs such bad dancers?
They have two left feet.
"Some plants," said the teacher,
"have the prefix "dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the
dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."
"I can," shouted a little redhead from the back row, "Collieflower!"
There was a hound dog laying in
the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old
man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as
the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and
growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist
flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog
didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
Two guys were walking their dogs
and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking
the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the
bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs,
so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the
guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and
said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden
retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog.
The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When
asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his
bar.
"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a
while he said, "Sir, ah… um… a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a
Chihuahua?"
A man walks outside to his car for
work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone
book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to
send over someone who's a gorilla expert.
When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a
pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?''
The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock
the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must
slap the handcuffs on his wrists.''
The man asks, ''What is the gun for?''
The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot
the dog!'''
A highly timid little man, Casper
Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his
throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman
tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out
through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe
my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of
dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
A young boy, about eight years
old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good
size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if
he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and
if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even
kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the
counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him
out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the
dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent
on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
One day a poor old lady found a
dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the
lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, "What
should I name my house?" And she looked around and she saw a guy
mooning her so she decided to name her house "Butt" Then she needed
a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so
she named her dog "Crack".
One day about a month later she
woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and
she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and
said, "Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I
can't find my Crack!"
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