There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”

What did the horse say when he fell?

“I've fallen and I can't giddy up!”

Q. What do cows do for fun?
A. They go to MOO-vies!

Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada?
A. Moose and Squirrel

Q. What do you call a cow murder mystery?
A. moo-done-it.

Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back?
A. dirty double crosser

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Q. What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?
A. One says, ''Rib-it, rib-it,'' while the other says, ''Rub-it, rub-it.''

Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school?
A. Bison!

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Q. What did one shark say to the other?

A. Airline food is sure bad these days.

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a packet of peanuts."

The bar tender said, "Why the big paws?"

Q. Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?

A. He found out it was a 'rough toad to hoe.'

There was a man from Leek

Who instead of a nose had a beak.

It grew quite absurd, till he looked like a bird

He migrates at the end of next week.

Q. Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
A. To keep his nuts warm!

Q. Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
A. It heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens...

Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity.

Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.

Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?

Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."

Q. What did the doe say when she came running out of the woods?
A. I'll never do that for two bucks again.

Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
A. Drumsticks for everybody!

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''

The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7