Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.

2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.

3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.

4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.

6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.

7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.

8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.

9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him"

10. Actually call him

11. Bring a kazoo.

12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to "keep it down"

13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.

14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.

15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to "stop it!"

16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.

17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.

18. Dress up like Santa Claus

19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.

20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word "the"

21. Change your plea every five minutes

22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers "Barney"

23. Gurgle into the microphone.

24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.

25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.

26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!"

27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.

28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say "I'm a paying customer!".

29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, "I've done better..."

30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically "Now that's more like it!".

31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!

32. When pronounced guilty, reply "How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!"

33. Bring toaster and wave a box of "Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts" around while asking "Where's a damn plug around here!".

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