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TEN LISTS
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10 Things to do at the Mall
10.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
8.
Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches
the color of your beard.
7.
Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with
your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
6.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious
tracts.
5.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils,
and whether there's much meat on them.
4.
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".
3.
Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in
Spanish.
2.
Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they
make your butt look big.
1.
Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether
they've seen this man."
TOP TEN
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes
over time.
8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to
send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High
Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor
so he can live like we do.
4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our
annual stewardship campaign!
TOP TEN BAD
THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER...
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open
it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth
Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real
fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the
ice planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
TOP TEN
REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
TOP TEN
SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING A CYBER AFFAIR...
10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
1. Lipstick on the mouse.
TOP 10
REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN
10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN
YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL
PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN
FOR A BACK UP.
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK
FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
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