Things to Do to Liven
Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all
in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce
that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say,
"I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when
Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of
the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on
the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive
conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they
wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were
worried for nothing."
He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.
It was a few days before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably
well, and Clarence Johnson was ready to travel. The airport on the
other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared
irritating elevator renditions of well known Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, Clarence was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check
in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with
entirely new clothes), he saw some mistletoe hanging. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap imitation with red paint on the rounder
parts and green paint on the flatter and pointier parts, that could
be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of annoyance and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not
want to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging,"
mentioned the attendant.
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss," responded the traveler.
The attendant answered, "That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up," muttered the annoyed man. "Then, why is it there?"
To which the attendant replied, "It's there so you can kiss your
luggage goodbye."
Things That Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving Day
But Aren't
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back and take it easy ... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just
below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy
Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out
looking real good.
Then the woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry
Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out
looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says,
"If you don' t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such
unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
The woman answered, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining
all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas."
"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.
"Hmmm ... I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about
turkey style?" replied his mate. "Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy
style,' but what in the world is turkey style?" To which the wife
replied, "Gobble, gobble, gobble!"
Thanksgiving
Jokes
