Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone.

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !

Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
To see what was on the other side!

How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why can't a moron dial 911?
He can't find the 11 on the phone!

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediatly. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!

Note: Out of concern for the public at large, the statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

This story takes place on a Native American reservation. One night, it was very, very cold; so cold that people had to bundle together to stay warm.

Coincidently, nine months later, at the reservation hospital, there were so many women in labor on the same day that every bed in the maternity ward was full. When another woman came in, the staff found a deer skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to provide for her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Another woman came in, so the staff found a buffalo skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to healthy twin baby boys.

Finally, yet another woman came in. The staff scrambled around, and found the skin of a hippopotamus (a traveling circus had been passing through the area earlier that year and their hippo had died...). They stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to triplets - three healthy baby boys.

The story is just another validation of a well-known truism:

"The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."

A man walks into a doctors office one day, completely naked, and covered in saran wrap. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor does some tests, and hours later, he tells the man, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

There was an apartment building with three floors on the first floor there was a gay guy eating dozens of pickles on the second floor there was a guy painting his walls green and on the third floor there was two guys naked have a sword fight one day while the two naked guys were having a sword fight naked, one guy accidentally chopped the other guys penis off which fell to the second floor in the green paint which rolled onto the first floor and into the gay guys pickles jar the gay guy picked it out and took a bite and said that's the best pickle I ever tasted.

A man walks into a bar after a hellish day of work not noticing it was a gay bar. So when he walks over to order his drink, a gay meets him and said" Have you ever played bar football?" The man never heard such a thing and wanted to know how to play. The gay replied," Its very easy. All you have to do is down a pitcher of beer and fart right after. Downing the beer is a touchdown and the fart is the field goal." The man was thinking it through and thought that something might go right for a change. So the gay started the game by downing the beer and farting. He then said," Now that is seven points. Now you try." The man down the beer and when he lend over to fart, right then the gay put his finger up the man's ass and stated," Now that is how you block a field goal!"

Once a person was eating a banana. But a guy went up to him and asked, "Where is Stanley Street? I want to know this because my name is Stanley Cup." So the person guided him to GM Place and said,"Bye!"

An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

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