Little Nancy was in the garden
filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked,
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."
A man hated his wife's cat and he
decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and
dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway
when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same
thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on
coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and
another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a
perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is
the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated
the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need
directions."
I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try
to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close
the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A
simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a
three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh
gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak
jacket.
III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule.)
IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life.
V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him
for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him,
however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and
rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water,
thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so don't expect too much.)
IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In
fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed
to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot,
reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the
best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him
toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is
a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days
the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a
lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give
him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.
A young magician started to work
on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal
his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he
has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found
themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat
there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence
and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”
FUNNY
PET JOKES
