 NERD
JOKES
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Nerd Season
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He
enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells
kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just
from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer
and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of
glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve
kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too
long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in
season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't
even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and
the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of
engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of
them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing
several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up
and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were
in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
Is It Better To
Be A Jock Or A Nerd?
The answer to the
eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd"?
Michael Jordan
made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an
average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million
in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7
hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see
a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's
there.
If he decides to
have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes
$7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710
while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to
save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
If someone were
to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do
it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay
around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around
$30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts
the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account
(401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January
1st.
If you were given
a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at
$65,000 a year.
He'd make about
$19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about
$15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common
person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago
restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year,
he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all
of their terms combined.
... However...
... If Jordan
saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have
less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over.
Nerd wins
How To Get A Life
It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet
addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually
isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:
Let go of the mouse.
Turn off the computer.
Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
Eat something other than taco chips.
Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is
possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright
light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put
on welding goggles and go outside.
If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the
modem connect sound.
Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they
don't have an email address.
Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.
Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
How to Determine
if Technology has Taken Over Your Life
1. Your
stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the
breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you
have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is*
letterhead.
2. You can no
longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to
fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because
there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser
printers.
4. You think of
the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your
father a birthday card.
5. You disdain
people who use low Baud rates.
6. When you go
into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with
customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson
stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the
phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how
strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly
find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
"digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you
are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know bill
Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social
security number.
10. You stop
saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into
contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign
Christmas cards by putting :) next to your signature.
12. Off the top
of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are
far more clever than :).
13. You back up
your data every day.
14. Your wife
asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a wrist-rest for her mouse.
15. You think
jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation,
you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than
everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought
that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able
to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town
hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but
you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie
charts.
19. You go to
computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.
20. You would
rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become
upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something,
but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.
22. You know
without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and
a half inch sizes.
23. Al Gore
strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set
of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While
contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old.
26. You are so
knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I
don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate
your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a
functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
29. You have
ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about
which is better the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You
understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has
taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie
under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email
these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to
showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In
fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.
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