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 MENS
JOKES
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What's the
difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big
feet.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like
fools?
Money.
What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.
What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.
How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.
Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the
refrigerator.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.
Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you
the money.
Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.
Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.
Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.
Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start
packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get
there"
Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."
How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.
What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.
Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bitch.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!
Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!
Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
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