|
 Visit
here frequently to see all of our latest jokes! Submitted a joke?
It will most likely end up here until we sort them all out and stick them in the
correct joke categories.
Latest
Jokes as of February 11 2011
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
God Bless Irish Women.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It cost $1.24M."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoooosh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh!
Ka-bbblammm! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Two rednecks, Bubba And Billy Bob, were walking through a pasture. Bubba sees a sheep caught up in a fence and says to Billy Bob "I'm gonna get me some of that"! Bubba goes over and sticks the sheep's back feet in his rubber boots, unzips his pants and starts to have sex with the sheep. He looks over his shoulder at Billy Bob and says "Do you want some of this"? Billy Bob replies "yes let me see if I can get my shirt caught up in the fence".
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".
TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM
10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns
9. Wind Beneath My Vestments
8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)
7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe
6. Exactly Like A Virgin
5. Sistine Candles
4. Take This Job And Read It
3. Gettin' Popey Wit It
2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me
1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets
his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole
family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day
at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the
principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir
Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss
Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused
principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I
didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The
driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for
the last 25 years."
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her
last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck!
What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly
suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a
great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd,
he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the
table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her
money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down,
tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of
vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore,
and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back
in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the
doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I
needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left
hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left
hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with
her teeth. We could not get that jar open!"
10
Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look
like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed
for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff
home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that
you work longer hours than you really do.
9.
Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it
looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send
and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing
anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal
benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would
like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught
by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is
to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving
valuable training dollars.
8.
Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk.
For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer,
last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that
counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming
to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in
an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7.
Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don't call you just because they want to give you something
for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for
THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice
mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like
impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're
not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious
even though you're being a devious weasel.
6.
Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one
should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off
the impression that you're always busy.
5.
Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially
when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks
that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss'
room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours
(i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4.
Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many
people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme
pressure.
3.
Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents
on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer
manuals are the best).
2.
Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick
out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when
in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand
what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1.
MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
Tickle
Me Elmo:
There
is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well,
Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about
the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and
the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there
the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over
the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At
the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your
job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Meaning
of... 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A
young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what
is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The
father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So
the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The
mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use
that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The
boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The
girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would
sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The
boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of
course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much
a million
bucks would buy?"
The
boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to
his dad.
His
father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The
boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on
three
million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers
and a future congressman."
Murphy's
Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would
be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on
a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by
those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Paddy
the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.
Paddy
the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.
Paddy
the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even
get close.
Paddy
the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!
What
makes you think Marie Griffin is an alien?
She
has three 'i's.
Little
Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My,
what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.
The
surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My,
what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding
Hood.
Again
the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little
Red Riding Hood.
With
that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"
A
Teenager is...
A
person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a
phone number.
A
weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
A
youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it
on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone
who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not
his mother calling from the next room.
A
whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed.
A
student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam
and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A
youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have
to study.
An
enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is
usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A
connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A
young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A
person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a
rock concert.
A
romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A
budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A
boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects
the lawn needs mowing.
An
original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Top
Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10.
"If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy
and fireworks"
9.
"Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8.
"Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7.
"If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8
shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6.
"George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's
done pretty well for himself"
5.
"Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4.
"Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3.
"I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2.
"I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said
my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1.
"I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell
is wrong with you people?"
On
reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon
the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The
stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.
When
this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass
and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite
upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee.
Unaccustomed
to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've
asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The
next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging
downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who
can't fly, you complain too much!"
Funny
Father's Day Joke:
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and
sleeping.
Didn't
realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received
the following note:
"Dear
Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we
were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
You
Know You've Finally Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You
find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You
hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently
sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are
at school!
You
actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with
applesauce.
You
weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not
to mention what Bambi does to you.
You
get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101
Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You
spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your
teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed
up on your head?"
You
are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some
real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've
reached over and started to cut up his steak!
The
Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to
drink a beer.
After
a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I
do. Why?"
The
cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought
you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"
The
Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver
was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some
water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The
Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you
to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze
to make him start to feel better."
Tonto
said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles
around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone
Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A
few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The
Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong
with him this time?"
The
cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know
-
you left your Injun running..."
These
quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance
evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
all together"
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
"He's been working with glue too much"
"He would argue with a signpost"
"He has knack for making strangers immediately"
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one"
"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
"A prime candidate for natural deselection"
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming"
"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for
it"
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
a week"
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"
"One neuron short of a synapse"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
A
bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late
and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow
was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he
was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was
nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There
are three morals to this story:
1.
Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy
2.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3.
If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut
Bubba
and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A
woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed
to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but
we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet,
six inches," and walked away.
Junior
shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb
blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
A
French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room
service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
A
Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer
under his arm.
His
friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that
case of beer for?"
"Well,
I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow,"
exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
EVER
WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when
it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why
they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is
so safe?
Dear
Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed
you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50
per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
I
am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing
my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please
apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively
by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned
article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00
each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed
for your convenience.
It
has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A
Satisfied Taxpayer
A
flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about
detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned
in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the
station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,
his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and
waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner
finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss!
I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
OK,
so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new,
candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95,
radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker
who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes.
To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point
across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him.
So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker
looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get
off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little
closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself
more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on
his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side
of the road.
The
trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws
a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He
instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she
was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.
The
trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville
Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats
it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a
brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied,
he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When
he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the
street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing?
I just beat the crap out of your car!!" She is laughing too
hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While
you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"
Stock
Market Investment tips for 2006
Get
in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these
consolidations in 2006.
1.)
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace
Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.)
Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces
and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3.)
3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.
FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.
Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
9.
Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the
new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
How
to Annoy Your Waiter:
10.
Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9.
Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really
bad actor?"
8.
After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7.
Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6.
Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5.
Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London
broil.
4.
Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge
Superman for dinner, would you?"
3.
Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2.
As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in
the chowder!"
1.
Three words: eat the check.
Top
Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse
10.
If it's wet make it dry.
9. If it's dry make it wet.
8.
Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.
7.
Never tell management what you are really thinking.
6.
Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".
5.
Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".
4.
Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.
3.
Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.
2.
If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30
minutes to complain about it.
1.
If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place:
tape it.
Ellen
Degeneres Quotes
I
ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think
my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I
think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I
was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten.
I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years.
It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People
always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an
accountant.
The
sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big.
And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows
we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Yeah
I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to
watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me
thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You
have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know
where the hell she is.
There
are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.
Do
you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.
A
Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"
Q.
Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q.
What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff
Q.
What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath
Two
muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "Wow it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"
Baskin
Robbins
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A
mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The
kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we
eat?"
To
which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin Robbins?"
Carols
For the Psycho Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY
DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE
DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better
start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To
Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE
PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
New
Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
done.
In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.
When
the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's
checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Things
Not To Say During Childbirth....
--
Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle
of childbirth.
--
Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
--
I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here
in fifteen minutes.
--
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted
my ankle playing basketball.
--
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned
for dinner?
--
When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed
a wild boar.
--
You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
--
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I
Love Lucy.
--
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
--
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
--
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're
not using the right words.
--
Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
Dictionary
for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're
right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead
(er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over
by a policeman.
Bar-be-que
(bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped
the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde
jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand
them.
Cantaloupe
(kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes
dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet
Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to
go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity
(e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise
(ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting
to make a purchase.
Grocery
List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing,
then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair
Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style
you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware
Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he
goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth
(child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick
(lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of
your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park
(park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere
and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a
swing set and slide.
Patience
(pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage
and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof
Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower,
or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's
Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight
dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to
get a card.
FUNNY
SMS JOKES:
News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv...
another playing football and the third one was caught reading
this txt message
The
longest sentence known to man: "I do."
CNN
News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama.
FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Crime
doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
This
dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog,
idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read
without the word dog.
Why
were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
FUNNY
ONE LINE JOKES:
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Why
don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What
do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two
snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny,
I smell carrots too".
What
do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no
Two
peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
Why
did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
The
fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
Boys
are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!
What
did one ghost say to another?
Do you believe in people?
Internet
Cafe Jokes
Hold mouse up to ear like a cell
phone and yell "I can't hear you!!! You're going to have
to speak louder!"
Play Pac Man and state to person
next to you, "These new games are incredible!"
Practice 'spinning mouse mat on
index finger' globe trotter routine.
Put your monitor's contrast and
brightness on full. With wide open eyes yell "It's going
to implode!"
Tell the cashier you wish to redeem
your free 1000 hours and hand him a bag full of collected AOL
promo CD's.
Typing hard and loudly looking
behind you yell, "STOP MAKING ME TYPE THIS - IT WILL ONLY
MAKE THINGS WORSE!"
Sit at the web terminal... without
a chair.
A
plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house.
After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150.
The
neurosurgeon exclaimed, 'I don't charge this amount even though
I am a surgeon."
The
plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either,
when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"
A
good flush beats a full house every time!
Q:
What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large
pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin
for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...
Q:
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!
Q:
What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"
Q:
What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he
wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
Q:
Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need
the sun!
Q:
Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant,
always insist on taking the leftovers home?
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Top
Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
10.
"The first vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them Gore
won."
9.
"Wait, if my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my god!
Stop the dryer!"
8.
"If someone voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or
Bush?"
7.
"Let's be extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha,
ha, ha, ha, just kidding!"
6.
"120... 121... 122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
5.
"This is much easier than my last job designing tires for
Firestone"
4.
"America must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"
3.
"Discard all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left
over from 1992"
2.
"I'm sure gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only
there was a way to make it last a few more days..."
1.
"Heads Bush... Tails Gore"
TECH:
Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER:
Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH:
We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use
our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER:
What do I need to do that?
TECH:
You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone
jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with
your bank.
CUSTOMER:
But where does the money come out?
TECH:
I'm not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER:
You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad,
you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I
did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You
told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What
are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I
don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one
of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
One
of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson,
S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone
had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them,
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up!
Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention,
he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement
of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut
up, Drill Sergeant!"
As
the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son
announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered
one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You
would never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just
gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do
you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
A
drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he
was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess
when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet
replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that
when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
As
a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard
Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail
capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels
are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the
base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I
was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as
I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched
himself on the rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get
off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail
your father!"
Q.
Did you hear about how quick the guy who lost his left arm and
leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q.
What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q.
How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q.
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.
Q.
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You
should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q.
What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q.
Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that
they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q.
What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Two
blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing
down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and
either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The
other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why
are you throwing those nails away?"
The
first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's
pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The
second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
other side of the house!"
A
carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked
him how far away he was from the accident.
The
carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What?
How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well,
I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured
it!" replied the carpenter.
Three
blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic
genie's lamp.
After
rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will
grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The
first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So,
she became a redhead.
The
second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She
became a brunette.
The
third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of
them!"
So,
she became a man.
Q:
Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q:
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for
two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.
Q:
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q:
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over
her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q:
Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q:
How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
A
man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally,
the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two
dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you
put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I
was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"
A
couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that
they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert
himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for
my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied,
"My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we
not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."
What
do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.
Can
I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
OLD
ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD
ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD
ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted
OLD
ACTORS never die, they just drop a part
OLD
ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted
OLD
ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history
OLD
ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver
OLD
ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures
OLD
ASSETS never die, they just depreciate
OLD
ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD
ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD
BANKERS never die, they just lose interest
OLD
BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan
OLD
BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty
OLD
BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap
A
old blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When
he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this,
the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The
blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
MEMO
FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know
exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job
code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision
what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin
using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any
difficulties you encounter.
Thank you,
Accounting
Attached:
Extended Job-Code List
Code Description
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested
in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail
You
know you're a nurse if...
You
believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You
would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley
one night.
You
believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your
sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You
know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place
in town by heart.
You
can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost
everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When
asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you
show them your shoes.
Every
time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors
and clamps in your pockets.
You
can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing
than he can.
You
carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for
pharmacy to deliver.
You
refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and
triggers "flash backs."
You
check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see
if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've
been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another
table throw up.
You
notice that you use more four letter words now than before you
became a nurse.
Every
time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of
them on you.
You
can intubate your friends at parties.
You
don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You
live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle,
to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've
basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've
told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and
to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating
microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your
bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When
checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure
of the answer.
You
find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery
waiting lines.
You
can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner
break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You
avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll
drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've
sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your
chest.
SMART
ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:
Smart
Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing
a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."
Smart
Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked
a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The
stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart
Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day,"
the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as
fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart
Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it,
the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts
his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
Smart
Ass Answer #1:
A
college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back
of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say
if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly
at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
| 
