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The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.

2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.

3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.

4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.

6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.

7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.

8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.

9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him."

10. Actually call him.

Sitting on the subway today, I glanced over at the woman beside me. I noticed that she had a Mensa button clipped on her bag. The button read:

M E N S A K O R E A

* ***
** ****
*********
*********
* * ***
* ***
* ***

I A R E A M E N S A N

All I could think was "who was the genius that approved that button?"

When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn't taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time...

1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to hare the wealth?with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC...)

2. Repeat #1, only engage in a uppy war?with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a uppy?is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)

3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream EE ALL GONNA DIE!?/font>

4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.

5. Two words: Water Pistol

6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes

7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the acetrack?in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.

8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.

9. Purchase a megaphone, uff said.

10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.

Q: How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake the stove.

Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off of his head.

Q. How are men like parking spaces?
A. The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...

Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Why does Michael Jackson relate so well to children?
He knows how they feel.

What did Michael Jackson exclaim when he say he returned from the health spa?
I feel like a new boy.

Where does Michael Jackson look for dates?
Boys 'R Us.

What is Martha Stewarts favorite new soap opera?
One Life To Shiv!

Yo Martha Stewart so stooopid… she willingly engaged in shameful acts of insider trading, effectively stealing from the backs of other investors not privy to vital, secret company information, and now she’s shaking in her apron, setting sail on the paddle-deficient USS Frigid Crook that’s slowly winding up the fabled fecal syrup creek.

What do you get when you cross Martha Stewart with an octopus?
A gourmet crook with eight tentacles and a hoity-toity TV show and instead of a mouth, a beak that shoots a camouflaging mist of merlot.

How many Martha Stewarts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! You can’t get at the lights; they’re all bolted to the ceilings in Cell Block C!

A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!

I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that DOPE gone yet?

Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."

A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.

7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her
a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the
bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.

23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

Little Johnny was sitting in class with his fellow peers. The teacher of the class asked for a volunteer to say a full sentence about their parents. When no one raised their hand, the teacher called on Little Johnny to say the full sentence. He replied with  "Hummm... Well... My Dad eats light bulbs." The teacher looked at Johnny strangely and said "Oh no, Johnny, your dad doesn't eat light bulbs, that's absurd" Johnny argued back, "Yeah huh, last night daddy said to mommy, 'oh honey, turn off that lamp and let me eat that thing'"

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

Granny fainted.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.

7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Not have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

22. Not eat cloned meat.

23. Create loose ends.

24. Get more toys.

25. Get further in debt.

26. Not believe politicians.

27. Break at least one traffic law.

28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

31. Stay off the MIR space station.

32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.

33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

34. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

35. Associate with even worse business clients.

36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

37. Wait around for opportunity.

38. Focus on the faults of others.

39. Mope about my faults.

40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!" 

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day.

Put more laughter in your day.

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