The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

Husband and wife had a cold war for few days. However, to minimise the trouble husband asked the wife for a long drive along the country side. Music were on but a complete silent was prevailing in the car. The husband was driving, and the wife was looking out side with an indifferent gesture. Suddenly the husband found that the wife was looking towards some cows grazing in the green field. He took the opportunity to make the situation lighter and asked the wife " Relative of yours?" The wife, breaking the silence instantly replied, "Yes, by marriage."

My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.

My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.

My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.

My dick has an elevator and a lobby.

My dick has better credit than I do.

My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

There was a rich guy and a poor guy sitting together in a bar. The poor guy says "Well I must be going because I don't have that much money so I must go" (he stands, ready to leave) The rich guy says "No, sit down and I will buy you more drinks."
 Poor guy: "Alright, but just one more, I really have to be getting home. It is my wife and I's anniversary"
 Rich guy: "Really? My wife and I's anniversary was last week!"
 Poor guy: "what did you get her?"
 Rich guy: "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes"
 Poor guy: "what made you decide to get her those?"
 Rich guy: "Oh, I figured that if she didn't like the diamond ring, she could drive it back to the jewelers. So, what did you get your wife?"
 Poor guy: "I got her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo"
 Rich guy: "What made you decide to get her those?"
 Poor guy: I figured that if she didn't like the flip-flops, she could go fuck herself."

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.
Please forward it to anyone you know who might need a lift today!

"Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
Citizens Luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to
know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters"

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

A woman was very nervous about her first date with a man she'd been attracted to for a long time. When he came to her door, she started to feel gassy and realized the chilli she'd had for lunch had been a bad idea. Being a gentlemen, he carefully put her in the car and shut the door for her, as he walked around to his side, she farted loudly and quickly opened the window and began fanning. She was horrified when he got in and pointed to the back seat saying "Have you met Ruth and Bob?"

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

Funny Nun and Vampires Joke

Two nuns from Ireland must traverse through Transylvania by car. They are a bit on edge. Stopped on the side of the road to rest they are startled when suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Turn the wipers on! That will get
rid of the abomination!" Sister Helen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What now?" "Switch on the windshield washer! I filled it up with Holy Water before we left ," says Sister Marilyn. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"My goodness, now what shall we do?" worries Sister Helen. "Show him your cross," says Sister Marilyn.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Helen as she rolls down the window, leans out and screams, "Get the fuck off our car!"

Funny Bear Joke

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar bitch you ate."

Coach Joke

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Lawyer Joke

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Also see "Joke of the Day"....

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