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 GOOD
CLEAN JOKES
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Humor
In Bill Gates' book, Business @ The Speed of Thought,
he lays out 11
rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but
should.
He argues that our feel-good, politically correct teachings have
created
a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for
failure in the real world.
RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about
yourself.
RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year
right out of
high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until
you earn both.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 - Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called
it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning
your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So
before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents'
generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades;
they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer.
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real
life.
RULE 9 - Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
off
and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself.
Do
that on your own time.
RULE 10 - Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 - Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.
This was in
the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every
year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of
dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
The things
that prove you're a New Yorker....
1. You say "the city" and
expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long
weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
5. The subway makes sense.
6. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language
makes you multi-lingual.
7. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big
Apple".
8. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
9. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
10. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
11. You think Central Park is "nature."
12. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
13. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
and
you think it's a "steal."
14. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both
times.
15. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
U.S. pay in rent.
16. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
you
went away to camp as a kid.
17. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.
18. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
19. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977,
and when you did, it terrified you.
20. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28
cents.
21. You take fashion seriously.
22. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
23. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
24. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
25. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
26. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
27. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
28. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
toes.
29. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
30. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
31. You don't hear sirens anymore.
32. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
quality
and what it's doing to your lungs.
33. You live in a building with a larger population than most
American
towns.
34. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is
Chinese, your
favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the
watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was
Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel
guy is Egyptian.
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