 FUNNY
STUFF
|
WORKER DEAD AT DESK
FOR 5 DAYS
New York Times 1-22-03
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one
noticed
that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for
FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George
Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New
York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office
he shared with 23 other workers.
He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday
morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during
the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the
first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one
found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and
didn't say anything.
He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post
mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days
after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading
manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give
your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
*Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
QUOTES ARE FROM
ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and
has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to
achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn't
coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Spell
Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my
revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a
word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar
write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is
maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw
it,
And I'm shore your pleased
too no
Its letter prefect in every
weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
The Perks of Being Over 40...
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable
size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the
national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
The Magician and
the Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every
week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the
show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of
course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This
went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you
do with the boat?"
|
