There are ways to make just about any situation fun, even going to your dorm shower...

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...

Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe

1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable.

2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for 'Captain EO'.

3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son.

4. Could really walk on moons.

5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith.

6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of 'Beat It'.

7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had.

8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic.

9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet

10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

Again the drunk notices the darts.

"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."

"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.

"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a prize for being such a good shot."

"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.

Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.

"Gimme a martini!" he demands.

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."

Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"

The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.

"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.

The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...

"Tankety Tank Tank."

So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? Well !!!

Here are a few things that Autoweek brought to our attention to compare.

This is what it costs to buy a gallon of...
Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 equals $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 equals $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 equals $ 10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 equals $ 10.00 per gallon
Quart of milk 16 oz for $1.59 equals $ 6.32 per gallon
STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 equals $ 33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 equals $ 178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 equals $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 equals $254.17 per gallon
Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 equals $ 84.84 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER......

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 equals $ 21.19 per gallon... $21.19 FOR WATER !!
You get the idea?? So next time you're at the gas pump, be glad your vehicle does NOT run on Vick's Nyquil !!!

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "All right honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her agitated state of mind and angry demeanor, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slownessof the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."

Condom Joke

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's only form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tied us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?", said Yeltsin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Restroom Funnies.

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE


Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC


If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC


Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia


Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO


No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC


For every handsome guy out there,
There's a woman that's
That can't stand him anymore.
Ladies john, Chevron station, Woodinville, Wa.


At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ


It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ


Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT


If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.


If pro is opposite of con, then what is the
opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington, DC


Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ


You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, A.


No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, A


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

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