A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. How do you kill a one legged fox?
A. Make it run across Canada.
Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?
A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

A Blonde and a brunette Joke
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave her 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"

OK, are you ready for this?

The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples.

Men and Women one-liners.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.

Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.

I haven't found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married!

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...

Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.

Men have feelings too. . . . But who really cares.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.

The average woman prefers brains over beauty but the average man can see better than he can think.

Diagnostic Computer

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "Ya know, my damn elbow hurts like hell! I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen my friend, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It only takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor!"
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. WOW! AWESOME! He is blown away!

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. Hmmmm.........so he proceeds to mix some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure!

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And, if you don't stop playing with yourself, your damn elbow will never get better!

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While in route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... molasses!

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve." "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the fuck happened to Billy?"

A lady and her husband go to the bar. The lady quietly tells the bar tender not to let her husband get drunk. The bar tender, concerned, asked "Sure, but is there a reason?" The lady replies "Yes, every time he gets drunk he goes home and blows chunks." The bar tender smiles and says "Oh alright, but that's normal." "No...umm.." the lady explains, "chunks is our dog."

Q. Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
A. Because she's too big for B-shells.

A retard walked into a doughnut shop and asked for a job, the manager decides to give the guy a test so he walks out of the shop and comes in again, pretending to be a customer.
Manager: What do you sell here?
Retard: Uh... I dunno.
Manager: No, you've got to say "Doughnuts"
So the manager goes out and comes in again.
Manager: What do you sell here?
Retard: Uhhh... Doughnuts!
Manager: Are they fresh?
Retard: Uh... I dunno.
Manager: No, you've got to say "Yes, yes, very fresh"
Again he walks out of the shop and re-enters.
Manager: What do you sell here?
Retard: Doughnuts!
Manager: Are they fresh?
Retard: Uh... Yes, yes, very fresh!
Manager: Can I have one?
Retard: Uh... I dunno.
Manager: No no no, you've got to say "If you don't, then someone else will"
So the manager walks out and comes in AGAIN.
Manager: What do you sell here?
Retard: Doughnuts!
Manager: Are they fresh?
Retard: Yes, yes, very fresh!
Manager: Can I Have one?
Retard: If you don't, then somebody else will!
So he gets the job, on his first day of work a guy comes in with a .9mm in his pocket.
Guy: What's in the cash register?
Retard: Doughnuts!
Guy: Are you being fresh with me?
Retard: Yes, yes, very fresh!
The guy takes the gun out of his pocket and holds it up to the retards head.
Guy: Do you want me to blow your brains out?
Retard: If you don't, somebody else will!

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Joke of the Week

Late-night Political Jokes

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