 BABY
JOKES
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Things
Not To Say During Childbirth....
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Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle
of childbirth.
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Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
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I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here
in fifteen minutes.
--
If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted
my ankle playing basketball.
--
That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned
for dinner?
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When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed
a wild boar.
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You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
--
This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I
Love Lucy.
--
Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
--
Stop your swearing and just breathe.
--
Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're
not using the right words.
--
Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out
to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor
handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold
this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa
there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that
lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough,
within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within
a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No,
don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's
yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The
redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes
with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third
child is different from having your first.
Your
Clothes
1st
baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd
baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing
for the Birth
1st
baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd
baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd
baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
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The
Layette
1st
baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd
baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd
baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries
1st
baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick
up the baby.
2nd
baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd
baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
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Pacifier
1st
baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd
baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off
with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd
baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Diapering
1st
baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
2nd
baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd
baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
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Activities
1st
baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and
Baby Story Hour.
2nd
baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd
baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going
Out
1st
baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd
baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave
a number where you can be reached.
3rd
baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
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At
Home
1st
baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd
baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd
baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing
Coins
1st
child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to
the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd
child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
coin to pass.
3rd
child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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