 SCHWARZENEGGER
JOKES
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Funny
Quotes From Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Well, there was no sex for 14 days." -on getting the
cold shoulder from his wife after backing President George W.
Bush at the Republican Convention
"To
those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say,
Don't be economic girlie men!" –at the Republican convention
"If
they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say,
'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special
interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have
the guts, I call them girlie men." –describing Democratic
lawmakers in California
"All
of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing.
The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people.
We don't want to get to that extent." –on the dangers posed
by gay marriage
"It's
the most difficult [decision] I've made in my entire life, except
the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax."
–announcing his gubernatorial candidacy on "The Tonight Show
With Jay Leno"
"I
can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento."
–on "The Tonight Show"
"As
you know, I don't need to take any money from anybody. I have
plenty of money myself. I will make the decisions for the people."
"We
have to make sure everyone in California has a great job. A fantastic
job!"
"The
public doesn't care about figures." -discussing his economic
views
"Don't
worry about that." -on the environment
"From
the time they get up in the morning and flush the toilet, they're
taxed. Then they go and get the cup of coffee, they're taxed....This
goes on all day long. Tax, tax, tax."
"I
saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this
— to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in
a toilet bowl? I wanted to have something floating there ... The
thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to
a woman — she's a machine! We could get away with it without being
crucified by who-knows-what group." -describing a scene in
"Terminator 3"
"This
is really embarrassing. I just forgot our state governor's name,
but I know that you will help me recall him." –speaking to
a taxpayer advocacy group
"As
much as when you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass,
you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing
else to offer,' which maybe is the case many times. But then again
there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as
her face looks, beautiful as her whole body looks gorgeous, you
know, so people are shocked." –in an interview with Esquire
"The
best activities for your health are pumping and humping."
"Having
a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times
a day. Each time I get a pump. It's great. I feel like I'm coming
all day."
"I
think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
"I
have inhaled, exhaled everything."
"That
was another thing I will never forgive the Republican Party for.
I was ashamed to call myself a Republican during that period."
-on the Clinton impeachment
"Having
chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense
training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back
to the serious stuff."
"Nixon
was always being attacked sexually. It was always said that he
was a fag and that he had no sexual relations with his wife for
15 years and that was why he liked power. And Hitler had only
one ball, and that was why he wanted to conquer the world."
-in a 1977 interview with Time Out
"My
friends don't want me to mention Kurt's name, because of all the
recent Nazi stuff and the U.N. controversy, but I love him and
Maria does too, and so thank you, Kurt." –on his friend and
fellow Austrian Kurt Waldheim, a Nazi war criminal
"My
relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People
need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people
in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave."
–in a 1990 interview with U.S. News
"I
was always dreaming about very powerful people - dictators and
things like that. I was just always impressed by people who could
be remembered for hundreds of years, or even, like Jesus, be for
thousands of years remembered." –in the 1977 film "Pumping
Iron"
"In a shocking
announcement, Governor Schwarzenegger said he supports changing
the constitution to allow people like him to run for president.
I'm shocked he would want that. Do you think he can win? Well,
you know, it's interesting, he has Ronald Reagan's appeal as an
actor and George W. Bush's difficulty with the English language.
And, let's not forget, he's got a little Clinton in there too,
so he could win." —Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000
salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every
penny." —Craig Kilborn
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California.
He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which
is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now."
—Jay Leno
"Today was Arnold Schwarzenegger's inauguration as Governor
of California. Arnold was told to 'Raise your right hand and butcher
the English language after me.'" —Craig Kilborn
"There was one tricky moment — to get Arnold to put his hand
on the Bible, they stuck it in Paris Hilton's bra." —Craig
Kilborn
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor yesterday
in the mystical land of the west known as Kali-forn-ia. Celebrities
attended the event, including national anthem singer Vanessa Williams.
But the moment everyone was waiting for was the swearing in. The
Bible used for the swearing in ceremony was 200 years old and
belonged to his in-laws, the Kennedys. That may explain why the
Leviticus chapter is interspersed with the phone numbers of Rockettes."
—Jon Stewart
"Earlier today in California Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn
in as Governor. After being sworn in, Arnold wasted no time and
got right down to groping." —David Letterman
"Immediately after Arnold was sworn in, Gloria Alred jumped
in: "While you have your hand on the Bible, I’d like to ask
you a few questions." —Jay Leno
"More problems for Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger.
California Attorney General Bill Locklear has suggested a special
toll free number be set up for women to call in allegations about
Arnold's past. I have a better idea — why not make it a 900 number
and charge $1.99 a minute. We'll pay off that $33 billion dollars
right there." —Jay Leno
"As you know Arnold is investigating himself. He will subpoena
both of his hands, and if he finds any evidence of wrongdoing
he is going to sue himself." —Jay Leno
"In Washington, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Vice President
Dick Cheney. So, the Terminator met the Defibrillator. The difference
between Schwarzenegger and Cheney is that when Cheney grabs a
chest, it's his own." —Jay Leno
"Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Washington D.C.
today. He and Ted Kennedy went to lunch. Your state's on fire
and what do you do? A three-martini lunch with Ted Kennedy."
—David Letterman
"Bush joked last week during his meeting with Schwarzenegger
that they are both sometimes accused of misspeaking the language.
Mr. President, he's from a foreign country." —Jon Stewart
"On Thursday in California, President Bush met privately
with Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. What did the pair talk
about? Neither is sure." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's
"Weekend Update"
"Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing
if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Terminator."
—David Letterman
"Arnold Schwarzenegger will probably be the keynote speaker
at the Republican National Convention, which is very smart, because
after Schwarzenegger speaks, Bush's English won't sound so bad."
—Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President
Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a
$38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a
$450 billion deficit." —Jay Leno
"In his first news conference after being elected governor
of California, Arnold Schwarzeneger promised to clean house in
Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis, and
date rape the deficit." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's
"Weekend Update"
"Time was, our leaders were all veterans of World War II,
the Korean conflict or even the struggle for civil rights. But
now, with the election of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and Arnold
Schwarzenegger in California, it is clear that the next generation
of political leaders will all come from the movie 'Predator.'"
—Stephen Colbert, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
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